What's It Like?
by Lou-deadfroggy
Summary: "What do they look like?" Valkyrie asked. "She's a she and she looks like that," Skulduggery answered, pointing at a bench. Well, he probably meant the person asleep on the bench but Valkyrie could no longer be entirely sure. Skulduggery asks an old friend with a few too many war wounds for help but it's not the world that is in need of helping this time.
1. The Bench Or The Girl On The Bench

**What's It Like?**

**Chapter One: The Bench Or The Girl On The Bench**

… …

_It's feeling free _

_To hold your head up high _

_And shout, "This is who I am, _

_And this is my opinion" _

_And you're free _

_To chase the dreams of man _

_And find exactly what it's like _

_To feel free_

_-Eddplant, What's it like?_

… …

… …

"What do they look like?" Valkyrie asked.

"She's a she and she looks like that," Skulduggery answered, pointing at a bench. Well, he probably meant the person asleep on the bench but Valkyrie could no longer be entirely sure.

"Do you mean the bench, or the girl on the bench?" She needed him to clarify.

"Are you trying to be funny?" He turned to her, tilting his head slightly. "Of course I mean the bench."

"Okay, now you're making fun of me." The face he had put on looked insulted.

"Would I ever do that?"

"Yes, you do it all the time." Skulduggery shrugged and walked over to the bench.

"Hello, bench, we've come to ask for your help." The bench didn't reply. "Well, if you're going to be like that." Skulduggery turned to leave.

"Did your mind float out of your eye-hole or something?" the girl on the bench asked without opening her eyes. Valkyrie looked her over, slightly disappointed at how normal she looked. After everything Skulduggery had told her on the way to Kildare she had been expecting someone more extraordinary. Not a twenty year old girl with a grey pixie cut sleeping on a park bench in nothing more than an ankle length skirt and a camisole top. She didn't have a scar or tattoo or anything to make her any different from the normal people around her. Oh sure Valkyrie had seen normal looking sorcerers, they had to blend in and all but the people Skulduggery took her to meet weren't normal. They had scars or made you fall in love with them.

"Not that I am aware of," answered Skulduggery. "If the bench won't help us, will you be so kind?" The girl opened her eyes and stared at him.

"What happened to your face?" she asked rather loudly. "Last time you turned up here you didn't have one."

Valkyrie was getting good at picking things up by now. Whoever this was (Skulduggery had forgotten to provide a name) knew him but hadn't seen him since China gave him his disguise. That didn't help her figure out exactly who the girl was.

"As charming as always, Calamity. May I introduce Valkyrie Cain?" The girl, who now had a name, sat up and Valkyrie saw that she had been using an old brown satchel as a pillow.

"Hello," Valkyrie said as she held out a hand. She smiled the sort of friendly smile it's appropriate to give girls who appear to make a habit of sleeping on park benches.

"Good, is it still morning? I think it might be but I'm not entirely sure. If it is: good morning; if it isn't then I hope you did have a good morning this morning." Calamity didn't stand up or shake her hand. Instead she looked up at Skulduggery.

"I do hope you have moved since I last saw you," he said slowly, Valkyrie realised that she may not have.

"Was I asleep on this bench when you last saw me?"

"Yes."

"Probably not then. Oh, wait, yes. Yes, I did move. I went back to Cinnamon's house for a bit then came back here." Calamity seemed proud of herself at that, as if moving once in a few years had been a colossal achievement. Valkyrie wondered why Skulduggery had been going on about her for well over an hour in the car, she seemed like a bit of an idiot. Still, he had mainly talked about her sense of humour and her cupcakes. No, that had been someone else. Now that she thought about it, Valkyrie realised that he had been telling her about another person entirely. Calamity didn't have an armful of watches that didn't work. She didn't appear to know the time (eleven o'clock in the morning) but she didn't have an armful of broken watches.

"Such an amazing journey. Would you oppose to going to Cinnamon's again? We were sort of heading that way." Skulduggery held out an arm but she didn't take it.

"Well you drove straight past her house on the way here. There was space for the Bentley outside," Calamity said calmly as she got up and walked back the way they had come.

"Alright so we came to find you first, can't my little fib be overlooked?" Skulduggery fell into step beside her, leaving Valkyrie to try and fit on the end like an awkward person. She wasn't used to being the third awkward person and she didn't like it very much. She listened to their conversation as they walked through the park. It sounded similar to what she exchanged with Skulduggery every day but there was something different, some reference she didn't get.

"So you came back," Calamity remarked.

"Either you mean back to Kildare or back to this world, in which case you are incredibly, inexcusably out of touch with the world."

"I meant here. You came here after you came back and made Cinnamon all twitchy because she thought you were dead. Well, more dead than she thinks you are already that is. How's Ghastly?"

"He's fine, how is Varrius?"

"No idea, haven't seen him for a while. Or maybe I saw him yesterday. Either way he's probably fine. Did I ask why you're here or did I imagine asking?"

"You imagined it."

"Why are you here?"

"Isn't wanting to see Cinnamon a good enough excuse?"

"If you wanted to see her, why not go to her house. She doesn't live in the park, you know."

"Are you trying to get me to say that I came to get you especially?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I shall pick a reason from the many that spring to mind. You are hoping to embarrass me in front of Valkyrie."

"What a thought. No, I wasn't even thinking of that although if it happened to happen I would not have a problem with its happening. Please share another made-up and inaccurate theory about why I am apparently trying to force a confession out of you concerning your reasons for coming to the park instead of going to Cinnamon's house."

Valkyrie didn't catch his answer but it made Calamity stop in her tracks, looking like she was about to run in the opposite direction. Something made her think better of it though and they continued down the street in silence.

"I trust that you have a key," Skulduggery said as they reached a disappointingly normal house. It was a large semi-detached house, the sort you would expect to find a reasonably well-off estate agent in.

"What makes you think that? As it happens I don't, the cat ate it. I can, however, knock." That is what Calamity proceeded to do. A few moments later the door opened and a very short, very red person looked out at them. Valkyrie assumed that this was Cinnamon because if you name yourself after a red spice is it reasonable to assume that you are the sort of person who has vivid scarlet hair cut in a messy bob around your face and that you would wear a red trilby, a white striped top and a black skirt to achieve the effect of a cinnamon topped cup-cake.

"Good morning, Cinnamon," Skulduggery greeted her with a smile.

"You have a face," Cinnamon replied in an English accent that sounded a little bit like Tanith's.

"I think we've established that bit," Valkyrie muttered. How long had it been since Skulduggery had visited these people?

"And you have a person with you. Hello person with Skulduggery. Would you like tea?"


	2. The Cat And The Girl With Tea

**Chapter Two**

**The Cat And The Red Person With Tea**

… …

_I want you to go because you're talking to a cat_

_And you're better than me at football_

_And my job_

_-Chameleon Circuit, Kiss The Girl_

… …

"Um, thanks!" Valkyrie followed Cinnamon inside, leaving Skulduggery and Calamity to their odd little conversation. Inside the house was a lot less normal than outside it. She had thought that China's library had had a lot of books in it but they weren't all squeezed into what no longer looked like a big house anymore. Amongst the books was a lot of stuff. General stuff. Scarves, statues, ornaments and a very small, grey cat. Valkyrie wondered if the cat had actually eaten Calamity's keys or if she had simply lost them.

"Tea? We have tea. We also have cake. Oh, wait, do you have a name?" Cinnamon asked a she bustled around what looked like a kitchen. There was a bit too much stuff for Valkyrie to be sure.

"My name's Valkyrie Cain," she said. "And tea sounds great." Cinnamon smiled and handed her a mug. She seemed to be about the same age as Valkyrie, maybe seventeen or eighteen, which was surprising. Sorcerers usually looked slightly older than that since aging stopped after the surge at around twenty-something.

"I'm Cinnamon Storm, have some cake. It's pecan cake so only Calamity will eat it. Unless of course you want some, in which case you can eat it too." Valkyrie had made up her mind that both of the girls she had met were mad. Cinnamon was a funny, sweet kind of mad whereas Calamity was more of an annoying, idiotic type of mad. She had decided that she wasn't going to like Calamity, for various reasons.

The tea was good and the cake was better. Valkyrie wondered who else was in the house since there seemed to be far too much stuff for just one person and the occasional house guest. That's what she assumed Calamity was, just a visitor.

"Tabitha? Tabitha, we've got visitors!" The cat appeared but no one answered.

"How many people live here?" Valkyrie asked. She turned back to her plate that she had balanced on a lump that may have been a table.

"Just us three," a voice behind her said. Where there had been a small grey cat there was now a woman in a long black coat. Valkyrie stared at her.

"Tabitha, this is Valkyrie, Skulduggery Pleasant is here too. He's… where is he?" Cinnamon disappeared to go and get the other two, leaving Valkyrie and Tabitha who was ignoring her.

"So, uh, what's it like being a cat?" Valkyrie asked causally. Tabitha sent her a slight glare.

"It's like being a cat," she answered. Good point, Valkyrie thought. Cinnamon reappeared with Skulduggery and Calamity; the former had retracted his façade. "What's it like being a skeleton?" Tabitha asked after staring for a moment.

"It is very nice to meet you too, Miss Strange. Being a skeleton is very much like being a body, except you don't bounce quite as much," Skulduggery told her and Valkyrie could hear the dry smile in his voice. Calamity found what was certainly the only seat amongst the stuff, and sat on it, looking over the table at them all.

"So, what brings you both here?" Cinnamon asked brightly, handing Calamity a mug of tea.

"Oh, I just needed Calamity to give me a hand with a case, which she has kindly done. We're only here now because Valkyrie seems intent on finishing your cake." Valkyrie glared at him and put her cake down, not bothering to answer the snort coming from Tabitha. Cinnamon smiled and set about boiling the kettle again.

"Are you two staying? We've got um, well we have food somewhere. There's more than enough. You're both welcome," she rushed, somehow filling Valkyrie's mug with more tea from across the kitchen. "There's more room in the living room to sit down." Valkyrie was herded into a larger and more colourful room, covered in curtains and paintings of various odd things. She sat down on and then sank into a blue sofa. The sofa had a large pair of eyes stuck to it. Valkyrie hoped that they were for decoration only, not another person. Cinnamon came to sit next to her leaving Calamity to curl up on the other sofa (red with bits of lace stuck on it) and Tabitha the cat to jump up next to her, hissing softly. Skulduggery took the armchair next to the bookcase filled with small paper backs. The whole bookcase was full of them, instead of the usual one or two shelves.

"What was the case about?" Cinnamon asked, picking up her tea from the coffee table. Valkyrie was confused about two things. First, why it was called a coffee table when it did in fact only hold tea, and second what Skulduggery was going on about a case for. They hadn't come to ask for Calamity's help, he had said that he simply wanted to check up on a few friends after the whole Argeddion thing. Then he had started asking Calamity for help about something, a case she hadn't heard of.

"Oh, just the usual saving the world sort of thing. Nothing exceptional," he answered nonchalantly. Okay, something really was up and Valkyrie wanted to find out what. First he drove her all the way to Kildare, miles away from Dublin, rattled on about how she was going to love Cinnamon (which, admittedly she did) then he took her to a park where they asked a girl for help she hadn't known they needed. Hell, she wasn't even aware that there was a major crisis going on at the moment.

Cinnamon shook her head in a resigned fashion.

"Fine, keep your secrets. See if we care," she said and sipped at her tea whilst trying to look aloof. The looking aloof part failed. They sat in silence for a bit, Calamity leafing through a book without actually reading it. Valkyrie didn't exactly know what they were still doing there if Skulduggery had gotten whatever he needed. Then she realised that he was looking straight at Calamity, his head perfectly still. That was odd; he didn't usually stare at people unless he had a good reason to. So far as she could see, there was no reason for Skulduggery to be staring at Calamity.

"What do you three do then?" Valkyrie asked suddenly to break the silence. Cinnamon seemed quite pleased to have someone to talk to.

"I work for the sanctuary, taking fake photos and stopping the mortals getting real ones. It's fun, I get to take lots of photos." She began a short rant about photography but all Valkyrie noticed was that neither Calamity nor Skulduggery looked up.

"Tabitha's a writer, she writes novels mainly, both for us and for mortals. She's very good, a lot like Gordon Edgley used to be although she doesn't stick to the truth as much as he did. Have you read any of his work?" Valkyrie almost choked on that.

"I'm his niece," she told the red-haired girl. "I've read everything he's written." Cinnamon immediately began to apologise. "No, it's fine, I didn't say and it would have been creepy if you had known." Valkyrie laughed slightly louder than was necessary, just to see if Skulduggery would look up. He didn't. He was either caught up in his own thoughts or deliberately ignoring her.

"He was an interesting person," Calamity said, still reading casually. "He did write me in a very strange light though."


	3. The People In The Photographs

**Chapter Three**

**The People In The Photographs**

**... ...**

_Every time I see your face,_

_It reminds me of the places we used to go._

_But all I got is a photograph_

_And I realise you're not coming back anymore._

_I thought I'd make it the day you went away,_

_But I can't make it_

_Till you come home again to stay_

_-Ringo Starr, Photograph_

**... ...**

"He wrote about you? In which book?" Valkyrie asked, a bit more aggressively than she should have. She couldn't think of anyone remotely similar to Calamity in any of Gordon's books.

"Most of them. He made me into a widow for some reason." Valkyrie remembered the character, a sad and bitter woman who fought for the good guys most of the time.

"You're not very similar," she said. Calamity shrugged.

"Artistic licence I suppose." There was another silence that Valkyrie needed to have filled, would have had filled if Skulduggery hadn't been so wrapped up in his own little world. Valkyrie got up and turned to Cinnamon.

"Do you mind if I use your loo?"

"Up the stairs, first door on your right."

"Cheers." Valkyrie left the room, avoiding the stuff on the floor.

As she was leaving the bathroom she looked around the landing at the four doors that led off it and the ladder going up into the attic. One door was boarded up; only a small cat flap was open at the bottom. She guessed that it was Tabitha's room. Cinnamon's door was a pale burgundy mixed with red and firmly shut. Out of the other two doors only one had any sort of sign on it. It read 'guest' in curly purple script. That left the one nearest to her as Calamity's. The only one that was slightly ajar. Valkyrie was a curious person by nature and she was curious as to who Calamity was so she pushed the door and stuck her head in the room. It was tidy; the beige IKEA furniture was basic. A few of the Indian type sari veil curtains hung around the room. Her eyes focused on a small picture frame on the desk. Taking a step closer Valkyrie looked at the people in the photograph. She recognised most of them. It was an old photo of the Dead Men, one of the ancient Victorian ones where you had to sit still for hours.

Ghastly, Skulduggery, Shudder, Ravel and the rest grinned out at her along with a slightly harassed looking Calamity who was clearly having an argument with Ghastly about being in the photo. The latter was pulling her into the group and trying to get her to stand next to Skulduggery who was also trying to put himself between Shudder and someone intent on hugging the man. It all looked like tremendous fun and Valkyrie wished she had been there, been part of it when it was so obvious that Calamity had been. Although why she should be in a picture with the Dead Men, Valkyrie didn't know. She looked around to see that a whole shelf of the bookcase was covered in photographs. Some were equally as old, mostly of the Dead Men but there were a few newer ones of Cinnamon, Tabitha and two guys with messy black hair. Valkyrie noticed that there were portrait photos of all the Dead Men standing in front of a large tree, one after the other except for a gap between Ghastly and Shudder where Skulduggery's photo should have been. There had obviously been one there at one point but it had been taken down. There were also very few pictures of Calamity herself, she only appeared in the Dead Men shot on the desk, a colour one with Cinnamon, Tabitha and the two guys and the largest photo by far. Somehow the photographer had managed to get Skulduggery, Calamity, Ghastly, Mr Bliss, China, Ravel, Shudder, Kenspeckle Grouse, Gordon and a very young looking Cinnamon to stand together and smile for the camera. There was something odd about the way Ghastly had his elbow out, as if was once again trying to get Calamity and Skulduggery to stand next to each other by pushing her slightly.

Then she heard voices in the hall and slipped back out of the room. As she crept down the stairs she saw Cinnamon and Skulduggery going into the kitchen, the former looking worried.

Eavesdropping wasn't a good habit but it was a useful one she happened to have. Hiding behind an over-used coatrack she listened to the two voices intently.

"I think it would be best," Skulduggery was saying.

"No, you can't just do that without asking her. Remember how well it went last time?" There was an edge in Cinnamon's voice that hadn't been there before. Skulduggery sighed.

"I'm trying, for some ridiculous reason, to actually do something right so if you would be so kind as to not do everything you can to stop me, it would be much appreciated." Valkyrie heard the kettle being put on again and Cinnamon answer softly over it.

"Well we don't appreciate having things hidden from us, Skulduggery. You promised that if you ever tried this again you would tell me everything." There was a long pause in which the kettle boiled. "I'm waiting."

The living room door opened and Calamity appeared, looking less than impressed with Valkyrie. She raised one eyebrow but said nothing. Her eyes went to the kitchen door that wasn't really thick enough to stop Skulduggery's reply coming through.

"Is it something about the female frame of mind that means you automatically listen at doors?" Valkyrie swore and untangled herself from the coats just as Cinnamon opened the door. She very nearly tripped over a colourful umbrella that Valkyrie had knocked over.

"Not really, you just happen to have brought two very nosy girls," Tabitha answered, no longer a cat. She was behind Calamity, her green hair catching the sunlight from the window to make her whole head glow disconcertingly. What was it with these people and weird hair?

"Only to find that there were two more already here. I think we'll be off now, Cinnamon, thank you for the tea." He doffed his hat and reached to put his façade back up before suddenly having Calamity's satchel in his hand. Cinnamon glared at him.

"Oh leave it, it's fine," Calamity snapped. She hugged Cinnamon tightly and grinned. "Either I'll be back in a few days or you'll never have to put up with me again," she said brightly. Tabitha had vanished without saying goodbye, leaving Cinnamon to show them out.

"Bye, thanks for the tea!" Valkyrie waved as the door was shut behind them. "Would you mind telling me why she's coming with us?" She nodded at Calamity.

"Calamity is coming to visit Ghastly with us, don't be rude, it's unbecoming," Skulduggery answered.

"He'll be thrilled," came a low mutter from Calamity. "He just loves me."

… …

**Here, I'll help you out, it's a Doctor Who reference this time.**


	4. That's My Chair

**Chapter Four**

**That's My Chair**

… …

_Here we go again, we know the start,_

_We know the end _

_Masters of the scene _

_We've done it all before_

_-ABBA, Voulez-Vou_

… …

The drive to Roarhaven was uncomfortable to say the least. Skulduggery opened the door as he usually did when Valkyrie got in but this time he was looking at Calamity who seemed oblivious to him and got in the back. He rolled his eyes, leaving the door wide open for Valkyrie to get in herself.

"I would be ever so pleased if you managed to be civil for the next few hours, just as an experiment to see if you can," he whispered with a slight grin. "Of course, making Calamity feel like you don't want to rip her head off would be a bonus." She stuck her tongue out at him and got in the car.

"So, how long have you two known each other?" she asked, making a point of sounding friendly and casual.

"Oh ages, Ghastly introduced us," Skulduggery began in a sing-song voice.

"By that he means I was in the process of trying to kill him and Ghastly stepped in to inform us both that we were actually on the same side," Calamity added from the backseat. Valkyrie turned around as much as her seatbelt would allow.

"Why were you trying to kill him?" Calamity shrugged.

"He looked like a bad guy and he was where I had been told someone I should kill was going to be."

"The story of my life: simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. To think of how many snide remarks Dexter would have missed out on saying if only I had been in the supermarket instead," Skulduggery sighed.

"They didn't have supermarkets then," said a frowning Calamity.

"Well, I could hardly have said the tavern could I? I do have some form of an image to keep up. I was merely pointing out that if I had been in a supermarket at the time instead of in that house, I would not have met you and Dexter would not have spent the last four hundred odd years making the remarks he has made. I am now quite sure that, in terms of Dexter's comments, I would rather have been in a supermarket, despite the fact that they had not yet been invented. Do you remember when they invented supermarkets?"

"They probably snuck in and invented them when I wasn't looking. I wasn't really paying attention to discoveries in the field of shopping convenience. Now please stop asking me do you remember questions in front of Valkyrie, you're making me feel old," Calamity told him. Valkyrie smiled thinly and didn't say anything else.

They finally arrived at the Sanctuary and Valkyrie found herself hoping that Calamity hadn't seen Roarhaven before. It was a bit petty but she wanted to show her around with an air of superior knowledge.

"Well this looks like a lovely place to live," the grey-haired girl muttered. "I suppose that is one way to keep all the hangers-on away, put the government in a horrible place." They made their way down to Ghastly's office. Calamity kept looking over her shoulder at various people as if expecting them to double back and attack her.

"Good day, Elder Bespoke, we just popped in for a quick chat," Skulduggery began as he knocked on the door and entered before Ghastly could answer. He looked up form where he had been writing something at his desk and his scarred face showed more emotions than Valkyrie thought possible in quick succession. Surprise, annoyance, shock, a brief flash of what looked like anger then a massive grin.

"Calamity!" He got up and hugged her. "How did Skulduggery manage to get you to come to Roarhaven?"

"Hello, Ghastly," she said. She didn't hug him back. "I was not consulted in this."

"Well I thought," Skulduggery began but stopped when Ghastly glared at him. Valkyrie wasn't sure exactly what was going on.

"Is someone going to tell me what's happening?" she asked.

"Probably not," Calamity answered brightly.

"Skulduggery, do you mind if I have a word with you outside?" Ghastly walked past Calamity and left the two girls standing there in varying degrees of confusion. Calamity nosed around the office for a moment before sitting down in Ghastly's chair.

"So, you haven't died screaming his name yet," she said conversationally.

"You're not very good at conversations, are you?"

"No, not really. I used to be very good at conversations but then I stopped talking to people and I got a bit rusty."

"Well, no, I haven't died yet. What happened to his other apprentice?"

"No idea, just making conversation."

"Oh."

"Should I stop?"

"Yes please." Calamity stopped talking. A few seconds later Ghastly came back in looking pleased with himself.

"That's my chair," he said when he saw Calamity.

"If by that statement you mean to get me to move you are underestimating how much I want to stay sitting in your chair."

"Fine."

"You're awfully smug for someone who has just had their chair commandeered."

"Ah but my dear Miss Dreamer, I just won an argument with Skulduggery, I have every right to be smug." Valkyrie's eyebrows went up into her hairline.

"How did you do that?" she asked Ghastly in amazement.

"He stood there and I yelled abuse, it was quite satisfying." Valkyrie stared at Skulduggery.

"Why don't you ever let me do that?" she asked incredulously.

"Oh dear, I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?" He sighed. "For once Ghastly was absolutely right and I agreed with everything he had to say. Now can we please move on? This is embarrassing." Calamity watched the whole thing with a large grin on her face.

"If I were about say, four hundred years younger I would try to high-five you, Ghastly. As it is I will let Valkyrie do that." Valkyrie high-fived Ghastly with a beaming grin, much to Skulduggery's continued shame.

"So, is someone going to tell me what's going on?" Valkyrie asked.

"Nothing for you to worry about, you're here because I thought I should probably introduce someone to Cinnamon who wasn't going to add to her stress levels," Skulduggery told her.

"That makes me feel really wanted," she muttered.

"I realised that half-way through." They all stared at Calamity as she began to laugh.

"Now I see what you meant, Ghastly. They're brilliant." Ghastly rolled his eyes at her.

"Yes well you're still in my chair and as much as I want to ask the boring questions such as how are you and what have you been doing for the past two years, I'm slightly pressed for time."

"Please go and yell at Skulduggery again so you can come back and be polite to me."

"No, get out of my chair." With a long-suffering sigh she got up.

"I've been no worse than normal except that Dexter tried to give me a birthday party in the Andes which he told no one about so it was just the two of us and a llama. We, of course must not intrude on Elder Bespoke's valuable time any longer." With that she walked out the door. Seconds later her head reappeared and she grinned at Ghastly.

"Oh well, we were going anyway," Skulduggery said with a sigh.

… …

**Okay, come on, you **_**have**_** to get that one.**


	5. I Need You To Shut Up

**Chapter Five**

**I Need You To Shut Up**

… …

_Remember the time when we stole the whole day? _

_And nobody knows it; we took it away _

_And it will be forever mine _

_And it will be forever yours _

_Now we own the night and it can't be undone _

_We'll never forget how it feels to be young _

_'Cause it will be forever mine _

_And it will be forever yours_

_-Alex Day, Forever Yours_

… …

"Hey, Aethel, what do you think you're doing, passing out like that? Hm? Come on, who passes out after the greatest fight in the history of mankind? Oh, well I know you did but really? You could have stayed standing for a bit longer. You missed the bit when Ghastly swore.

Look, you don't mind me talking, do you? Kenspeckle said that I should keep talking in case you're listening in your sleep or something. I won't talk about what just happened though because he's giving me death glares right now. Now he's called me vexatious, that hardly seems fair; I'm only doing what he asked.

So anyway, I've got to keep talking to you. I suppose I could tell you a story, you're not too old for stories, are you? I'm not and I'm older than you. Do you remember when Dexter disappeared in Portugal? Well after you were ordered back Ghastly and I were sent to find him. Take that how you like, I suppose you were more of an asset than we were at that point. So we tracked him down all through Lisbon until we got to this really disgusting sewer. Really, it was horrible. I think I smelt of it for weeks. Well, no I didn't because I'm a naturally clean person but it's the drama of the moment. So the thing to take away from that bit of my story was that it was disgusting and smelt foul. Nonetheless we carried on in our heroic search for our missing comrade. We walked for hours. Be quiet, Kenspeckle, you're ruining the flow of the story here. Anyway we finally came to a bend in the tunnel. Yes, I know it's called a corner but I'm trying to give her something worthwhile and interesting to be asleep to. Well we marched fearlessly around the corner and there, standing in the middle of the sewer was... Dexter. Yes, I know that's a bit of an anti-climax, Kenspeckle but I never promised it would be a good story. He looked up at us and was really surprised. When we asked him what he was doing there he said he had lost something down a drain and was looking for it. So the three of us spent the next few hours looking for a small shiny thing in the Lisbon sewers. It was not pleasant. Finally Ghastly yelled that he had found something. We had just crawled around a sewer to find what turned out to be Dexter's pocket watch. That stupid pocket watch that didn't have a chain and was half an hour slow. Just to prove that we were not happy with this I set fire to the gas around him. He never lost that watch again, well, he did but he didn't ask us to help him find it in a sewer again.

Can you please wake up, I've ran out of stories to tell you that don't involve things Kenspeckle will throw me out for mentioning. See, if you were awake we could have a conversation and I wouldn't have to tell you very dull stories. He's gone to check on Anton now; he got hit when the ceiling came down on us. He'll be fine; he doesn't even need someone here talking to him. I'd go all soft and say how much I hate seeing you so weak and all but really I hate seeing you when you're strong and fighting. It's not that I think I may lose you, I already did. When you're fighting I can't win, I can't make you see sense but when you stop, when you're calm and quiet then I can talk to you and maybe try to reason with you. When we are all sitting there around a fire waiting for news or the next fight you stop being strong and you stop arguing with me. Then I can for a moment see something else inside you, something more like who you used to be. I don't want you to be quiet, I don't want there to be silence but I can't fight you over everything simply because you don't want to accept that I may be right. I know I'm right about lots of things but I'd rather you argue with me over every single one of those than over that one thing. I am right, I know you can't let go that easily and I can't either. Stop trying to make me angry with you because I can't. I can't hurt you and I can't cut you out. I was angry at everyone but not at you. You never did anything wrong, there was nothing else you could have done.

It feels wrong, telling you this when I know you can't hear me. You won't ever let me say this to you, you'd cut me down before I even got half-way. I know you were hurt and I know that you blame yourself for letting her see us, I blame myself too.

What are you doing? Something's wrong, what is it? Come on, don't scare me. You have to wake up, you promised. Do you remember when I walked you to the gate? You told me that you were very good at leaving but not so good at coming back. I asked if you were good at keeping promises and made you promise to come back. You said that you would always come back to me. I'm holding you to that. That sounded less pathetic in my head. Still, you really should wake up.

No, Kenspeckle, I am not going to start crying and say I love her. I don't care whether you think that will help my chances or not. Go away unless you can make her wake up and get better.

Hey, okay so that worked. Are you feeling alright? Is there anything you need? I can go and get some water, or Dexter? I'm not sure how he would help but I can if you want. Anything at all. Aethel?"

"I need..."

"More blankets? Water? Tea?"

"No, I need you to shut up."

… …


	6. Exactly Who Is Calamity And Uh

**Chapter Six**

**Exactly Who Is Calamity And Uh**

… …

_You shout it out_

_But I can't hear a word you say_

_Talking loud_

_Not saying much_

_Criticize_

_But all your bullets ricochet_

_Shoot me down_

_But I get up_

_-David Guetta, Titanium_

… …

"You have a fridge. This is an improvement. You also have a bathroom. What made you suddenly decide to turn this into a liveable house?" Calamity looked around in amazement. Then she caught Valkyrie's eye and let out a huff.

"Don't be like that, you never stuck around long enough to need any of that," Skulduggery muttered.

"What do you mean?" asked Valkyrie.

"In ten minutes I will have broken my record for the longest amount of time I have spent in this house." Calamity shrugged. "My record is fifteen minutes."

"Woah. So, you guys don't get on or something?"

"No, I just don't like staying in one place for too long." To prove her point Calamity walked into the largest living room.

… …

Valkyrie was silent as Skulduggery dropped her home. They had left Calamity behind but she was busy reading a large book so apparently she was more likely to stay. As they pulled up outside her house he turned to her.

"I'll call if we have a case but it's eerily quiet at the moment. Of course that will mean all hell will break lose tomorrow."

"Naturally."

"Anyway, you haven't been to school in months."

"Yes I have, I go every day."

"You know what I mean."

"Fine." She got out of the car and didn't look back. He waited until she had climbed through her window before driving off.

"Bad day?" her reflection asked from where it was sitting at her desk doing her homework.

"Skulduggery's being weird, weirder than normal and he says I should go to school tomorrow instead of stuff." Valkyrie waited for it to finish and step into the mirror then absorbed all of its memories from the past day.

"Great, I have a test. Joy. Thanks, Skulduggery."

The next day Valkyrie growled at the alarm as it went off blaringly loud in her ear. Skulduggery was right; she hardly ever went to school.

"Good morning, Steph," her mum said from where she was feeding Alice mashed up banana. Valkyrie murmured something incoherent back and got herself some cereal. She couldn't stop herself from checking her phone in case Skulduggery had told her he was going to pick her up.

This wasn't helping her like Calamity anymore.

"Waiting for your boyfriend to text back?" Hannah asked at lunch.

"What? No! No, just someone who, uh never mind," she stuttered, stuffing her phone into her pocket. She rolled her eyes at their teasing. "Shut up."

"What, he's not replying? Maybe there's someone else he's busy talking to."

"Hannah, please shut up." The others just carried on giggling at her expense.

... ...

"You can move the seat you know."

"And have Valkyrie dislike me even more? No thank you." He cocked his head and she could tell that he was smiling.

"What?"

"Calamity Dreamer, you're getting soft. You actually care what she thinks."

"I just don't want to put you in that position again," she murmured, turning her head to look out of the window. There was an awkward pause.

"No chance of that," he answered. "So, you haven't asked me where we're going."

"You're not going to tell me and ruin the surprise, are you?"

"No, but the interest on your side would be appreciated."

"Fine, where are we going?"

"Not telling you."

"I thought not."

"You could guess though."

"I'd rather not."

"You're no fun."

"Then take me home."

"Cork is a bit far for a day trip."

"Yes because Dexter is so welcoming when I randomly turn up."

"How often do you turn up?"

"Not very often and usually when he's out."

"Then how can he not be welcoming?"

"There's a sign that says: Cal, don't touch anything and wash up after yourself."

"Lovely."

"Isn't he just?"

"I could take you back to Cinnamon's." He left it hanging but his voice was softer.

"I promised to stay until the 24th."

"It will be an improvement on last year. Dexter took you to the Andes and only invited a llama?"

"He invited an alpaca too but it didn't turn up. Detective turn host?"

"Are you joking? This was Gordon's idea, he's throwing it."

"Gordon's dead."

"Ah yes, about that. Well, that's where we're going."

"You're not very good at surprises, you know."

"I dispute that point."

"Please don't try and give me a surprise. Last time you did that Erskine nearly died."

"I promise he won't do that this time."

"He didn't do it on purpose and it wasn't my fault."

"No, then why were the balloons filled with poison gas?"

"I got the wrong canister!"

"That comforted Erskine greatly when he woke up."

"He only yelled at me for a few hours."

"Then punched your face."

"He didn't break my nose."

"You don't have a nose."

"Well if I had a nose he wouldn't have broken it, it's the principle that counts."

"Whatever you say, Skulduggery." She gave up and stared out of the window.

… …

"Valkyrie! Hi!" Ghastly answered the phone.

"Hi, Ghastly. Um, do you have a minute?" He had a feeling that he would be on the phone a while.

"Fire away, I'm not busy." Settling into a chair he got himself comfortable. There was an awkward pause.

"Exactly who is Calamity and, uh, well," Valkyrie trailed off.

"Ah. I don't know how to answer. Has Skulduggery told you anything at all?" He knew that the answer was no. Ghastly didn't agree with what his friend was trying to do but he thought Calamity was being impossible.

"Nothing." He thought not.

"Thanks, Ghastly, I sort of gathered that. I've met lots of old friends."

"Skulduggery left her behind to save someone else, he still feels guilty about what happened." There was a long pause.

"Right, well, that's not what I was expecting you to say. Uh, thanks, Ghastly." He sighed.

"I'm not the one to tell you, Valkyrie. Ah, it's not just the bad guys that have mysteries." He chuckled dryly. "Ask Skulduggery, not that he'll give you many answers."

"Urgh, he's impossible. Bye Ghastly."

… …

**Hari, there is a slight Mel (6****th****?) reference but other than that I can't fit anything in. Also, the songs are related, in my mind at least.**


End file.
